My Eyes Shades Nothing But Blood

 I am lost, I am culprit, I am sinner maybe that's the reason I have been suffering in my life. she says that I have made up all this in my mind. but only I can understand my feeling. and only I can feel my pain. I never imagined she would be away from me. I couldn't believe it. when she isn't there when I needed I feel like someone had broken my spine. I got much more suggestion that I should keep myself busy, divert my mind. I have tried all the ways but she doesn't leave my mind. I cant move further I can't move my steps away.

 

an internal feeling of this loss damaged me deeply. I couldn't bear this pain. I have been asking almighty for my invitation. but he doesn't invite me. from all the way from all the direction I have lost badly to love, to someone's heart, I have lost badly to emotions. how terrorise this thing has become for me only I could feel it. sleepless nights with thinking about you is making me more insane. I miss your presence in my life. I realised how important you are for me. but I am helpless, shapeless, brainless, heartless. I am even scared to ask you whether you could understand my pain?. because I know your rude answer given to me once upon a time. I wish I could die any moment but god is been outplaying me in this. life is priceless but I want to lose on that. what would I do without you, my love? I couldn't tolerate this pain. I have lost capacity. I cry almost everyday missing you. I can't make that happen. slowly I am losing control on everything. parents, siblings my bhabi's, when they look at me with millions of doubts and question. I couldn't face them. I want to be alone all the time. I don't get mix up with anyone. whatever I have it was you. I am missing you badly but you don't care about that. any lover could have been happy seeing their lady happy. but I wonder whether my lady feels my pain. everything hurts when I remind the sweet time we had together. it hurts when I remind of your touch. I feel someone has squeezed my heart from inside. I feel pain, heartbroken feelings, I feel terrible, I get scared of everything. I lost my love for this life babes. I don't want to live. I am alive just to hear from you. otherwise who would want this life. I made my mind, I told my brain again and again, that you are going to be alone. learn to live alone. but the memories that we spent together strike me down every time. I remind me everything the touch you poured on me. the love you poured on me. why you have to treat me like this. I am always here waiting for you. the way you say everything is finished killing me. and those words are counter-attacking me from inside.

 

do you even imagine what's happening in my life? why would you care right? if I start thinking like others I will ruin everything. smoking packets and a couple of drinks every day is not making my day worth. I drink to forget all the pain, all the miseries, all the sorrows, but you know when I drink that pains come naturally from inside, those moments strike me hard. but you couldn't understand all this because it's happening with me, not you. you couldn't understand my desire. it was nothing but your voice which will reach my heart through ears. I want to hug you and I want to convey all the days how I have been without you. I want to tell you I suffered a lot. and I don't have more energy and capacity to handle this. I need you. please come back. I want you. I lost my heart baby. I lost it. I never felt so helpless I want but I couldn't. you can imagine how hard it is for me without you. I don't want to cry but rather I wish to die.

I don't know in this situation what am I suppose to do. always missing you, always thinking about you, always making my mind constant on one thing, I just want you to understand what's going inside someone close could understand this feeling. I just want you to feel my heart and understand what I am going through.

eyes shades tear but blood. when your love goes away from you

. this is true whatever you are reading. my eyes are shading tears but blood.  why god is punishing me like hell I don't understand. I might have been wrong but not so wrong to not take my life out of me. in the past 7 months, I desired for closing my eyes permanently more than often. I love you babes. this fucking one life I could sacrifice for you. if I forget this wounds then there would be no love left. I will sacrifice this life. I could never love anyone. so I am being alone and I will always be. I am living my destiny. this is what destiny has written in life I guess. living life of a monk.